akeranzu

So here I sit. 5:30 in the morning and I have to be up by 8. I am going into the Crete Post Office today. I know it has been a long time in coming but it is here at last.

Well here is hoping things go well and I can get some sleep and get up in time.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Hail and well met

I really want to post here more often. I just have so little time in the day. It sucks. But I will do my best to stop in and put something up. Even if it is just a "hey I wish I was here more often".

The Post Office thing may work out by Friday, or early next week. Woot! That would make me a very happy camper.

I have never really sat down and specificly planned my future out. I mean I have ideas but never really figured out how I can make them happen against all odds. I did that last night.

Why not I was up untill 5:30 this morning.

I am still trying to read my writing, it was way to late to run this loud ass computer and wake those the slumber. so as soon as I have deciphered the text I will share it.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if It's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since god knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it

So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me

Hail Hail the gangs all here.

Well at least those that still visit this place. I do cause I made it. I am going to keep putting stuff here so keep reading and please let me know if you do. Of course there might not be much to say cause what I put here is rather bland. But do not despair resolute citizen for I am here to save the day.

By that I am referring to an idea that I had during high school. I started trying to write a story about a super hero. Yeah it did not get far. I just lacked the experience to really put my ideas into words, but I might have a better time now. Who knows? It could be a real waste of time, but with all the expensive ways to waste time having one that is relativly free is a good idea.

Anyway I am in the middle of working on a project from the guys at Harsh Realities, a very small gaming company that is still in the garage stage. If all goes well though it could make a splash soon. It would be nice to get things going in that area, and I am talking BIG when I say going. I want booths at Gen Con and people knowing my name from what I have created. Yes I know a Jedi should not crave these things, but now and again it is nice to be noticed for ones accomplishments. Trust me it won't go to my head. Besides I have a rule for this...

There is no ego; there is fellowship

So I have not much else to say and little time to prep for the trip to Bourbonois to see the guys.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

Does anyone have a good idea for a super hero name? Powers? I would like to try and bend my head around someone else's idea for a super person. It could be interesting. Thanks.

This is a fast post for all those who still read this. I am not forgetting it, but I also have a blog. It is www.closetoflostdreams.blogspot.com

So if you don't see something here feel free to check there. I am trying to keep both up and running, but right now with the holidays and being unemployeed....

Well lets just say it SUCKS!

I am fine. The job thing is still in limbo. Jim is holding off until he can either have me see someone over the bitch or after she leaves. I am not upset at Jim cause he is doing his best to get me in, it just is frustrating. But as my Jedi code book says

There is no frustration; there is acceptance

I cannot change by action the situation, so I have to accept it and wait for the things to fall into place. So if you all were wondering if I was still on the Jedi kick well there is your answer.

That is all for now kids.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm) Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. Your exact opposite: The 5-Night Stand Deliberate Brutal Sex Master On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: Quinlin

Will I never learn not to take these stupid tests? Not the worst possible outcome in my oppinion, but not the best. It says the next three years should be exciting, well here is to hoping. Cause I could us a good couple of years.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

All words in () are in a hushed voice.

The sun so bright it hurts the eyes
We all look to see if it is in the skies.
Do not care if it is there, cause it will just fall down
We pin our hopes and dreams on such a fragile thing
Poets write sonnets and musicians sing
All about something that is but a dream
Do not listen, do not buy it
If it is said once more the world will scream

A ghost and a phantom (I love you)
A wisp and a joke (I love you)
What a way to live one more day (I love you)
Is that all that you can say?

The world turns and cities burn
All the time we help the hate boil and churn
If we believe we can make the pain go away
But pain is what life is all about
So cut the flesh and give us a shout
Let the blood run down the street
And do a dance with all the dead
Leaving red tracks with your naked feet

A dream and a terror (I love you)
A wisp and a joke (I love you)
What a way to live one more day (I love you)
Is that all that you can say? (I love you)

A god and a devil (I love you)
A boy and a girl (I love you)
What a way to live one more day (I love you)
Is that all that you can say?

Don't look too hard or you might miss
All the things that make death bliss
Cause life is a destination we all find
The pleasure that is nothing but pain
The sanity that all call insane
If you take the bus you've missed the boat
And that is where the answer was to be found
To that question that you know by rote

A sun and a moon (I love you)
A time and a space (I love you)
What a way to live one more day (I love you)
Is that all that you can say? (I love you)
Is that all that I can say?

(I love you)
FIN

Take it or leave it that is what came out of my head. Not sure it makes sense, but then most poetry really doesn't. I only know a few people that still check this out, so I don't expect a load of comments, not that I ever do. But if you happen upon it, please let me know what you think.

Is that all that you can say? (I love you)

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

The smoke rises from the cigarette
as I stare at the computer screen

What I write should make sense
I should know what I mean

But the words all come out wrong
no matter what I type

Could someone explain this thing called love
in words I understand
and leave out all the hype?

Why is this the way I feel?
Does it ever make any sense?

I am tired of walking on all these eggshells
and riding this stupid fence.

I have to make you understand
I have to make you see

The life I lead without you is a life
but it is hollow and empty

I long to ask you to walk with me
to share in all my days
and allow me to share in yours
in as many ways

I bid my time
and seek a sign
which may never come

So here I sit cold, alone
and soon forever numb

To all my riddles you are the answer
To all my thoughts you are the end
To all my ideas you are the beginning
Without you I break, I do not bend

I found this on a friends Blog. It struck me hard. I know that at times I have made this mistake.

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
LISTEN! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do–just hear me.
Advice is cheap: you can get both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
So, please, listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you. –


As I said I read this and yeah. For all those that I have not listened to I am sorry.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

"I know what I saw!" his voice was hushed and hard to hear.
"I know what a dog looks like and it was not a dog!"

"Listen Devin I know what you think you saw, but there is no such animal. You had to have seen a dog." Alex tried to reason with is distraught friend, but he had never seen Devin like this.
"You will see when we get there, it was a dog. Probably had a Halloween costume on or something" The car made a left turn down a nearly empty street.
"What do you mean "When we get there"?" Devin tensed up as he asked.
"We are not going back there, it will be there. It lives there, it is like its territory." His voice had taken on an almost hysterical tone.

"Just calm down. See here we are." The car turned down an ally and stopped. The head lights cast an eerie light down the path between the two buildings."See everything is normal and no demon monster is lurking down there. I will show you." Ales opened his door and stepped out before Devin could act.

In fact Devin was totally unaware of Ales getting out. His eyes locked on a patch of darkness that defied the glow from the head lights. It was the thing, he knew it. It was looking right at him, he could feel it burrowing into his head. It wanted him, he had gotten away and that wouldn't do.

"What? No wait you fool it will kill you!" Devin called out as Alex came into view. He had started to move when it happened.

"See what did I tell you? Nothing here to be worried about. Huh?" Alex turned and caught sight of movement. He may have had a moment to realize that the hunched figure was nothing like a dog, but as the creature buried its teeth into his neck he probably forgot. It was still had to see, as if staring at it caused it to shift in color and substance, except the eyes. Cold yellow and apparently permanently open. Even now as it tore the throat out of Alex it looked directly at Devin.

He screamed. He threw himself across the seat and closed the door. With not one single thought for Alex he threw the car into reverse and drove half a block before righting the car and speeding off.

The next day he awoke in the hospital. In his panic he had failed to notice the semi until it side swiped him. He could not remember what had happened but he knew it could not be good. His right arm and leg were in casts and his whole body ached.

"Well it looks like you finally awake. Had us worried for awhile, but I knew you would pull through." The nurse opened the curtains allowing the sun in.

"Where am I?" Devin's voice was raspy from lack of water.

"Now don't worry your little head. You are in St. James hospital and a good thing too. Any farther away and you would not have made it." She was a short and round lady, with a voice of an angel.

"I have to talk to the police." His voice cracked on police. "I need some water to."

"The police? Yes they will have their turn, but first you have a visitor." She busied herself around the room as she spoke, getting some water for Devin. He was sipping it as she opened the door.

"Who is it? No one knew I was here, or there I mean." He followed her as she walked away from the door and closed the curtains.

"I did buddy. You almost ruined everything." Alex stepped into sight as the last beam of sunlight was blocked. "Yes indeedy, could have screwed up the whole damn thing. What were you thinking driving away like that?" He crossed the room and stood by the end of the bed.

"I thought you were dead? The thing bit your neck and I saw blood. How did you escape?" Devin was dazed by the appearance of his friend.

"Oh you saw blood alright and I didn't escape. No I am not really Alex." The skin on Alex's forehead began to split, allowing a little trickle of black fluid to escape."I just needed his skin to get close enough to finish the job!"

The skin fell away as the hunched creature leapt from the empty husk that had been Alex."Yes now we have the skin we need to get close to our real target." The nurse turned around and met Devin's stare. Her eyes black and cold, a hideously long grin crossing her face from ear to ear. As the light faded from Devin's eyes she laughed, and the creature began to don its new form.

Hail and well met!

I started this journal thing originally to put ideas and stories out there in some form or another. Obviously I got away from this, now I have returned. I went and saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Thursday night. A midnight showing in orland with some friends from out there. I have not read the books, but I think that is going to change. Well I should explain that I may be borrowing the audio books from one of those friends and listening to them in my time on the computer. Anyway I digress. As I watched the movie I found a particular character interesting, Madeye Moody. Mostly I was drawn to his fake eye, well his replacement eye, whatever it is. I started having visions of something just a little more invasive and well lets just say that I had to concentrate on watching the movie instead of trying ot figure out the story behind this new eye that I was conjuring.

As I drove home I mulled over it in appearance and purpose. I have come up with the story behind what it is and what it dose. I am still finalizing it and when it is done I will be placing it here for you to read. Now I know that in the past I have said this about things and they never showed, not this time. I am studiously working on this story and it will appear here.

As far as the movie went, it was good. I am not the huge fan that others seem to be, but I do find the movies enjoyable. It is fun to watch the cast age with the movies and appear to match their characters. And the special effects were nice and not overdone, well not much. All in all I liked the movie and if I have any extra cash I would be willing to go and see it again. Maybe I can see what I missed when I had my head in the clouds of my imagination.

Ok that is all for now. I will see everyone sooner or later.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

Dial up is soooooooooo slow.

I am not really complaining. I don't have a need for it to go faster, it just takes time. Waiting is not something that I am unfamilar with. I have learned to wait for many things. Patience is something that I apparntly have in spades.

What do they say about that? Oh yeah. I have the patience of Job.

Lately though I have really found that I don't have the patience that I once did. For many things I can hold my own but for others I lose it.

I want things now. I don't care how I want them NOW!

Like sleep, and understanding what is going on in my head. Yeah I am still having crappy dreams. Death, pain and suffering still pervade the subject of my nighttime visions. I have tried to examine them and pretty much they mean nothing more then they did 5 days ago. Meh so I will learn to deal with them like everything else.

Of course there are other areas that are on the NOW list. I am not going into them. I have to act to make them better and that is a course of action I am unable to persue right now. Probably just making excuses but they make sense to me.

I think the thing is done downloading, so I am off. I will post again about something good I hope. Not that this is bad, but it is far from uplifting. I may be on a downward patch of road but what goes down must come up. And if anyone of you sickos even tries to make a sexual referance to that line I will personally......laugh. Cause Tadd just jumped out, in all his glory and made one himself. LOL

I can always depend on him to put sex into everything.

Well I am off.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

Dreams that make no sense.

First flesh eating monsters that kill me over and over.

Then a video game, with people running around with life bars over their heads.

And now some crazy horror movie with a sicko doctor performing transplants and creating these twisted things.

I have not slept well for over a week. I keep trying to understand the meaning of these dreams, somethings make sense. I know that the video game world came about because Mikey and me played Dynasty warriors 4 for like 4 hours straight, which was FRIGGIN AWESOME! I love the game. But still the dream was not made up of only the game. It still had these elements from the privious nights. The evil creatures that kill with out hesitation seem to be a constant theme.

And that sicko doctor. Uggh! I don't dig blood, not even in my dreams. It is not a thing that makes an appearance in my dreams, except that last night it did. When this doctor was performing surgeries there was blood everywhere. I woke up and was almost sick in bed. I do not handle blood well in real life either, usually passing out. Yes I know what a wus this makes me out to be, but everyone has a weakness. Mine just happens to be blood.

I am still searching for some guiding light here that can lead me out of this cycle of not sleeping. More over if I can identify the source of these disturbing images I should be able to stop them.

I really am tired and so I may just take a nap.

People are coming home this weekend for thanksgiving break and I for one am looking forward to it. The rest of you losers can just go sulk in the bathroom for all I care. While you are there please remember to flush the bullshit, it tends to pile up.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

I am tired

I want to sleep.

I don't want to dream. I don't want to go where they have been taking me.

I used to control them, but lately that power has failed. I can no longer force the pain and evil away. It overwhelms me night after night.

And worse I find that I am alone in all of them. No matter how many doors I open I find nothing but empty rooms. Echos of who had been there but a moment before. Only a slight warmth in the places where they had just been. I know they were there, now they are gone. And what is left are the things that I cannot make go away anymore.

I cannot out run them. At every turn they jump out. No barrier can keep them away. In the end they always find me, take me and rip the flesh from my bones. And all I can do is scream the silent scream that we all know from out dreams.

I wake up and I am soaked in my sweat. The phantom sensations of their fingers and teeth cause me to rub my arms and legs. And every time I fear that I will find something missing.

I don't want to sleep, but it always comes. Even now it creeps up behind me, its talons gripping my brain and making this post harder and harder to type.

I don't know why. I must understand where this all comes from. I must discover the source of this disharmony, this imbalance.

And of course the only place to discover it is in the dreams themselves.

Damn I must sleep.

Keep me in your thoughts and whatever passes for your prayers.

I shouldn't fear, but I do.

May the Force be with us all tonight.

Excelsior!!!

May God stand between us and harm in all the empty places where we must walk.

Hail and well met

I am in the middle of about a thousand things, all of them annoying. But I had to share this with everyone, even though I know that there are only a few that visit, I had to share it.

Insanity

I feel the dark cold clammy touch of it
It haunts me in my dreams
It makes me cry and wonder why
I suffer as I do.

I wonder when it will go away
When the pain will subside
But as I sit here in my false reality
My mind and soul slowly die.

My tears stain my cheeks as they slide down my face
It hurt so long, so long
I've kept these tears deep inside
That relief is bitterly sweet.

My head is pounding and my brain is swimming
My eyes are red and sore
I feel my heart is at its last
I can feel the fear no more.

My body is slowly numbing
The pain is almost gone
I close my eyes and prepare myself
For my mind is at its last.

My throat goes dry as sand
My skin is freezing cold
But I lie awake
Eyes as wide as ever

But my mind has become no more.

This poem has struck me hard. I have never really read a poem that brought tears to my eyes, well one other time. I had to put this up and make sure that I never lose or forget it.

I have been here and felt what is in the words. I just had to share it. Thanks Mikey for being what you are. A friend, a brother and a budding poet.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

I don't know what to do.

I want things to change, I could try and change them. I know the end result of those paths ultimately. I know myself well enough to know how I would screw thing up.

I have to wait for things to work out. I hate waiting. I have waited for so many things and had them never show.

I am beginning to believe that they will never happen. Well one thing in particular. I should be honest about that. It is just one thing that I begun to feel will elude me forever, and with it the substance of everything else in my life.

I am hollow inside. I am incomplete. Nothing I create really has any meaning anymore. It has made trying to create things for my games hurt. A pain that aches and throbs, yet it is empty and echos. Who can I share these worlds with? Oh yes I am sure that when they are printed millions will see them, but I am not interested in millions. All I care about is one person. Someone to share them with and express them to and and and .................make them complete.

My riddles are all unanswered
My thoughts have no end
My ideas have no beginning

I am hollow.

Oh God I don't want to live this way anymore.
I want to be complete, whole.

I want to live!

I have to go to bed now. And in the morning I will just a little more hollow and incomplete then I was today. I will ache just a little more. Soon there will be nothing left of me and then.........

I was almost in tears just now.

Earlier today I had to switch my internet service provider and everything was going ok until I tried to get on AIM.

AIM was not working at all. Even after a reinstall it was falling apart.

I was about ready to call it and throw the computer out the window.

Then I went to my new providers web page looking for answers and found this new program called Trillian.

IT IS AWESOME TO THE EXTREME!!!!

I can interact with AIM, YAHOO and MSN messengers all at the same time!

So I am talking right now and it is better then I could have I imagined.

I am so relieved cause I now know that I need my daily messenger fix.

Anyway I am out of here.

May he force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

Hail all and well met

I had promised to get these questions answered but with my computer falling apart it went from a short time to a long one. But at last here they are..

Three names you go by

1) Matt
2) Poppy or Poppa
3) Dane

Three screen names you have had

1) Xens
2) PoppaD20
3) Akeranzu

Three physical things you like about yourself

1) Sense of humor
2) Hair
3) Friends

Three physical things you don’t like about yourself

1) Body
2) Teeth
3) Age

Three parts of your heritage

1) Scottish – If its not Scots its crap!
2) English – Great that is why Neal likes me!
3) German – Oh good, now the can pin THAT on me as well!

Three things that scare you

1) Being alone
2) Deep water
3) Darkness / not being able to see

Three everyday essentials

1) Caffeine
2) Computer
3) Fellowship

Three of your favorite musical artist / groups

1) KISS
2) John Williams
3) Mighty Mighty BossTones

Three of your favorite songs

1) “Over The Eggshells” – Mighty Mighty BossTones
2) “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” – Green Day
3) “Livin’ On The Edge” – Aerosmith

Three things you want in a relationship Remember these are things that I want

1) To wake up on a Weekend morning and snuggle together while watching morning cartoons
2) Being able to both follow are dreams while still being together.
3) Sharing everything

Three truths

1) Life is a journey not a destination. So move along!
2) There is not greater gift then friendship.
3) The Force exists between all of creation.

Three lies

1) There is someone for everyone
2) Good triumphs over evil
3) Patience is a virtue

Three Physical things of the opposite sex that appeal to you

1) Sense of humor
2) Breasts not too big, not too small – Hey I am a guy.
3) Hair

Three of your favorite hobbies

1) Painting miniatures
2) Role Playing Games
3) Going to the Movies

Three things you want to do badly

1) Open and run a successful game store
2) Get my games (yes there is more then one now) produced and on the market
3) Become a Jedi

Three careers you have considered

1) Scientist – a childhood dream that was shattered
2) Game designer – working on that one
3) Minster – yeah I bet that one comes out of left field for most of you.

Three places you want to vacation

1) Australia
2) Japan
3) Scotland

Three kids names you like

1) Jarred
2) Jasmine
3) Quinlinn

Three things you want to do before you die

1) Find someone to spend the rest of my life with
2) Feel the Force
3) Have someone recognize me for the games that I have made

Three ways you are stereotypically a boy

1) I like action movies that have bad plots but big explosions
2) I can grade dirty clothes by the amount of time worn and when I had showered before wearing them
3) I collect comic books, toys

Three ways you are stereotypically a girl

1) I like watching “girly” movies (I saw When Harry Met Sally in the theater, and I love Sleepless in Seattle)
2) I like shopping for clothes and can spend way too much money on them.
3) I tend to feel not think

Three celeb crushes

1) Gillian Anderson (Scully from the X-files)
2) Angelina Jolie
3) Natalie Portman

Three people I am tagging

As of right now I am tagging no one in particular but challenging everyone (Ha yeah right) that reads this to answer the questions!!! Or are you scared? Ha Ha Ha Ha you are weak spineless jellyfish! You are flabby blubber blobs!

Yeah ok just answer the damn questions!

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

P.S. I had pictures of the crushs but they did not work out. I really need to learn so html so I can do that sort of thing. Ah well just look up the names on Google and go to images if you don't know who they are.

I have come to a point where I must make a choice.

I can find a job here and probably end up staying here the
rest of my life.

Or I can take a chance that could destroy me.

There is no fear; there is understanding

Even for this truism I am afraid. This is a path that truly
scares me to my core.

There is no certainty in this path, no safety. That is the
one thing that I have always lived by, being safe.

Now I have to make a choice. To stay or to go.

Why do I hear that stupid song from the Clash

Should I Stay or Should I Go? - The Clash

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here 'til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

It's always tease, tease, tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine the next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...

This indecision's bugging me
If you don't want me, set me free
Exactly who am I'm supposed to be
Don't you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Yeah just one more song from my past,
the terrible 80's.

So I have to either do it or not.

Give in or give up.

I must adhere to the precepts of my path.

There is no confusion; there is direction

So here I am, no closer to making the
decision then when I started.

I have to go now, not that I have anything to do but I cannot think about this anymore.

I would ask for help, but that gets me nowhere. Besides I cannot expect anyone to know what I should do anyway.

The ability to make up our own mind is the only real freedom we have.

May the Force be with you and me.

Excelsior!!!

I got my computer back yesterday. I forgot the power cable. I had to wait for more then 24 hours looking at it sitting there on my desk, taunting me.

Today I got the cable and here I am. Freedom is a power cable. If only they cost $1.05.

I have yet to make it over and fill out the damn application. I have this block that just keeps hitting me in the gut.

Today I found out why. Jim needs me to play PI on his ex-wife. There is a chance that she is violating the divorce decree. I will be helping Jim with this Monday. If I had filled out the app there is a good chance that I would have been unable. There is no coincidence; there is providence. Yes I just shot out one of those damn rules again. I am starting to get this Jedi thing. Just a glimpse but it is better then nothing.

I am going to have to fill out that app next week, no questions about it. But I will follow my feelings as to when.

I am really tired. Worked out today for almost 2 hours. 25 minutes on the Dread mill covering more then a mile and a half. Then we hit 8 weight machines. I had no music so it was just me and my mind to keep me occupied. Thought over several things and have come to a epiphany.

Think with your head, feel with your heart.

It struck me that too many time I have tried to think about feelings and feel about thoughts. All this dose is confuse the crap out of me.

There is no confusion; there is focus.

By putting the feelings back in the heart and the thoughts back in the head things seemed clearer for the first time in a long time. The fuzzy nature of the world is coming together and a clear picture of things is coming into view.

I have some things that I need to attend to and have been remiss in dealing with them. I can be lazy no longer.

I must get to bed as it is quite late and as I have said I am tired.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!